I miss my old, simple life. This is a tale of reflection, an advisory of how we can only move forward and never back as much as we wish we could, and a yearning of days gone by.
Friday nights, if I wasn't heading out to catch up with friends and drink far too much to feel any sort of good the next day, I'd get through the front door of our house after walking five minutes to get home. I'd get out of my work uniform and watch TV while I waited for Ryan to get home. I'd see him pull his car up on to the front lawn and wish he wouldn't because I'd already asked him about five times not to park there because the lawn is dying, but he'd forgotten and done it anyway.
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He's walking in to the house and I say, "Hi sweetness, how are you?" and we take a few minutes to catch up over the things that had either been the making or breaking of our day. I watch him as he removes his tie while taking a big sigh and releasing from all of the frustrations, or listen as he excitedly talks about all that he has accomplished.
Maybe I'll mow the lawns tonight while it's still light outside? Or we could head down to the video store and pick out some movies to watch together on the couch? But we'll learn from the last time we hired too many and didn't end up watching them because we forgot that we'd invited people over the next day.
He's heading to the kitchen now to make himself a snack and I'm picking up our work clothes. I think there's enough to put a load in the laundry now, and if I get them done tonight then we won't need to worry about it again all weekend. "Have you fed Lola today?". "Yes, we really need to cut down on how much food we're giving her, she's getting quite large".
I watch him as he prepares one of his snacks. Cheese on crackers. "Sweetness, don't eat too much or you won't be hungry for dinner. What do you feel like?". "Oh, why don't we just fend for ourselves tonight, it's been a long week. Please tell me we haven't got anyone coming over tonight." "No, it's just you and I."
The sun is setting now, and I'm about to put the lawnmower away. Thankfully I beat the sun, and I managed to get them done on one tank of gas! The miniature flaxes are getting a bit out of control, I should probably cut them back soon. I start to roll the lawnmower back to the garage and rap my fingers on the window. He's sitting on the couch playing xbox and as he turns and our eyes catch one another's I poke my tongue out and he smiles.
We head down to the video store and we still haven't learned from the time before. We've picked up five movies that we want to see, but it's okay because they're week-long hires. We've seen one of them but we both really liked it and want to see what it looks like on Blu-Ray. It's been a couple of hours since his crackers so we decide that I'll have Chinese takeaways for dinner, and we'll swing by McDonalds so he can pick up a ten piece pack of chicken nuggets and a coke zero. I feel the quickly passing wave of frustration wash over me because I know that every time he orders the nuggets they make us pull around to the car park in the front as they cook them fresh and I just want to get home and have my dinner.
We're set up in the lounge now, our meal of choice spread out before us and I've decided to let him pick the first movie that we watch. I know he doesn't want to watch this one, but he picks a movie that I selected because he knows that this is the one that I would have picked and he's considerate like that.
Half an hour in and I pick up my phone and start checking my Twitter and Facebook. I can see him out of the corner of my eye, watching me frustratedly because I should be paying attention to the movie. I've always been bad like that, no attention span. It's really warm in here, so I remove my socks and slouch into the couch. I've put my phone down because I can sense that I'm irritating him.
The movie finishes and we say to each other, we'd better clean up the mess so we don't have to do it in the morning. It's late and we're not sure if we can watch another one tonight, so we decide to head to bed with our laptops and check out what's happening on the internet. Lola is running towards the bedroom from the kitchen and we both laugh and make a joke about how she's so heavy that she sounds like a dog coming down the hallway. She slows down as she approaches the window sill in front of our bed, and we watch as she leaps upwards, disappearing behind the curtains, trailing shapes along the length of the window in the soft light.
It's one of the rare occasions that it's happened, but Ryan closes his laptop lid and the glare disappears from his half of the bed. I don't want to feel like the last to be up, so a couple of minutes later I shut mine as well, discard the extra pillows to the chair in the corner with a swift heave and shuffle down to the end of my bed, cosying in to my pillow and draping my arm across his chest.
"Are you sleepy?" I ask him. "Yes," he replies, "do you want to go to the market in the morning?". "That'd be cool," I say, "what time?". "I'm going to sleep in, so probably around ten, ten thirty". "That sounds good sweetness. I love you very much.", "I love you too". "Sleep sweetly, sweetness. Goodnight Lola". And as I lay there listening to cars in the streets across town, the last thought that enters my mind is of the laundry that I've forgotten to hang out and will need to go through another wash cycle in the morning.
Yes, I miss the days when life was simple. I hate that we don't live together anymore and I know I did appreciate the times when we lived in Kaitaia but I have an overwhelming feeling that there we're so many missed opportunities to just love one another and the life that was there. We can never go back and we're growing as individuals and as a couple, but I would give anything to return to those moments and say let's just stay here in our own little cocoon forever and never let the world in.
I don't like living alone and this 'me' is a stranger to the 'me' from seven months ago that I sometimes feel like I don't even know anymore. But I'm on a path, and the path is never meant to be easy, but we will always have the memories to remind us of where 'home' really is.
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Posted in Dentistry Post Date 11/16/2015